the highest bidder.

Hello every one, well Allan's almost at the end of the Jolson and Co tour. I've been to see him a few times. Mainly because I fancy the sound man. Graham. Very good looking and he understands that my hearing isn't so good and knows just how loud to whisper in my ear. Unfortunately he hasn't taken the hint and has ignored all my advances. Which brings me to the reason for this blog. 

I read in the paper today that a young girl auctioned her virginity on the web. I immediately thought ....what a good idea. I could do that. Now you may think, is  May  still a virgin. I'm no Susan Boyle. Which reminds me, I'm a lot better looking than her and a better singer. Anyway, its been so long time since I had a wee bit. I'm now officially a born again virgin. So I could actually advertise my self as a virgin and see how much I can get. I wouldn't consider it for anything less than a tenor. The young girl got £9000 but I suppose she had age on her side. But never under estimate experience. So I shall await some bids. Don't let me down now.

Oh I met a lovely lassie the other day. She was interviewing Allan for a show on Alba TV. Her name was Cathy McDonald. (maybe we are related) She was very complimentary to me. She speaks funny though.

I'm also thinking of following in Joanna Lummley. I think all Gherkins show be allowed to stay in Scotland.

Anyway I'll speak to you soon.

Aunty May. xxx

my boy

Well, I'm so proud of my wee boy. Not only to see him in such a great show as Jolson & Co, but to know that he is on stage and not in frock. You see I get so annoyed when I hear people calling him a poof. I mean just because you wear a bra and tights doesn't mean your a shirt lifter. And then we had all that stuff in the papers about putting on that black make up. I mean to say we all know that Al Jolson was a black man who whited up during the day, and as this show is about a radio show which takes place during the day he would obviously be white. I don't see what all the fuss is about. Thank goodness he's not doing a show about Michael Jackson's life....what would he do then.

Anyway I saw the show on its opening night and the audience loved it. I was sitting next to an old woman who threw her pants at him.....not a pretty sight. They were those big bloomer ones. They nearly had is eye out. 

The show opens officially tonight so all the press people will be there. I told Allan I would be willing to sleep with the journalist to help get good reviews but he said no. Quite emphatically. 

Ok must go I have a to make a chocolate sponge for Allan's opening night present.

Cheerio

May x

panto again

Hello all you lovely people. Well its that time of the year again. Sorry I haven't written since last year but I've not been well. Had it all taken away.....tables chairs the lot. I feel fine now but the hot flushes are driving me mad. Everyone tells me I should be over it all by now but I've always been a late starter. I didn't loose my virginity till I was 28. Well that is if you don't count the time I had a fling with a 'well known Scottish actor' when I was 18. We did have sex but I always remember the 'well known Scottish actor' saying he knew I was enjoying it because my toes were curling up. I never told him I hadn't taken my tights off.
Anyway enough of my younger years. I'm totally off men at the moment. Who needs them. I've got my Allan. He's had a Stenna chair lift thing installed in my house. I feel just like Thora Hurd as I zoom up and down the stairs. Once I'm fully recovered I wont use it.... unless I've had a few advocats. Grant Stott came to visit me the other day. I think he fancies me actually, but he's not my type. He's married anyway. I was in Tesco the other day. If those check out staff ask me one more time. "Do you have a Tesco card" I'll scream. NO I DON'T HAVE A FXXXXXXX TESCO CARD..... Sorry, and I need a bag as well...... where do you want me to put my loaf, sugar, milk, butter, water, tea, fruit, cerial, and advocat. Any way have a lovely christmas. x

A christmas shag

I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that word....a lady of my age. But you see I went to see Allan in the panto and one of the crew (who shall remain nameless but loves elephants) had a few to many at the opening night party and asked me if I wanted a christmas shag. I first of all told him I didn't smoke then I thought he was talking about a carpet, then when he whispered something I cant repeat I realised he was talking about sex. I turned round and said " What a fxxxxxxg liberty. I smacked him right across the face. To tell you the truth I had a good look at him later on and I would rather of had the carpet. Anyway the panto is great as usual and I'm resigned to the fact that I am going tobe single for a while. I was talking to two girls after the show the other night and they said they were Lesbians. I was very interested because I've never been to Lesbia and I might get a chance to go with Allan on the ship sometime.
Ok cheerio
May.

single again

Well I haven't written because I have been distraught. That old Bxxxxxd from the dairy ran off with the milk maid. He said he wasn't going to play second fiddle to my Allan any more. Second fiddle....with his instrument he was lucky to be in the band at all. He was addicted to placebos, I told him to give up but he said it wouldn't make any difference. The final straw was when I came up to Glasgow to see my Allan in the Producers. He was wonderful. In a frock again.....and what a frock. So I'm on the look out for a man again. Although in all honesty I'm happier without one. I've been trying to look sexy recently. So I bought a rubber dress and a leather dog collar with some chains hanging from it. I wasn't just an outfit it was an S and M outfit. I suppose I should act my age. Anyway I'll be in Edinburgh soon for the panto so I'll no doubt have a wee Christmas fling. Please don't think I'm promiscuous I just like the company. By the way if anyone knows where I can get whole sale Tenaladies let me know.
Aunty May. xxxxx

spring is in the air

Hello every one, I say spring is in the air because I have another new man. My last gas board friend dumped me. I was glad actually. There is nothing more boring than listening to him singing songs from the show he is writing " Gas the Musical" . He says it will be a smash hit. With songs like "Gas has no smell" and "The world would be a better place with out Electricity" you can imagine how boring life was. Anyway He phoned me and said he was missing me. I wont repeat what I said but I put his gas at a peep.
My new man works in a dairy. He smells a bit like old milk sometimes but you get used to it. Funnily enough he's writing somehting as well..... a book. Its called "Dribblings from my Dairy" or was it "Scribblings from my diary" cant remember but he has a great sense of humour. I took him to a wife swapping party last week (I'm a bit of a swinger you know). There was only one other couple there and he wasn't happy because it was the Krankies. Mind you I did hear him shout Fandabidozi more than once.
Well that's it for now I hope this relationship last a bit longer.... even if its just for the free milk and butter, not to mention the cheese.
Cheerio
Aunty May.

So sorry

I'm so sorry I haven't written for such a long time. I have met a man and my life seems to have been taken up with him. Don't get me wrong I still see Allan as much as I can but my new man, Henry gets a bit jealous. I travelled up to see him in Panto( Allan not Henry), I also saw him in the Centenary show. They were both wonderfu,l although Henry didn't say much. He works for the Gas board and doesn't have much of a sense of humour. He's very intelligent though. He's always making interesting comments like, why has the word LISP got an S in it? He went to buy me a gold fish for my birthday and the man in the pet shop asked him if he wanted an aquarium. He said he didn't care what star sign it was. Allan tells me that the panto broke all box office records. Something about £1.2 million. That seems an awful lot of money. What will he do with it all. Henry is upstairs reading at the moment. He says its a great book "the history of glue" says he cant put it down. I've just read Thom Dibdens review of the show. What show was he at. What a fxxxxxg liberty!!!!!
Ok must go and make Henry's lunch he's at home today. He suffers badly from piles. Poor man.
bye