Auntie May's Diary

My play

2012-01-30T15:19:00.002Z

Hello my little fans,

Well just thought I'd tell you about my play 'Aunty May's Big Day'. I have booked the Kings theatre in Feb 2013 to premier the show. It stars Andy (jowelly) Gray and myself. Its about our normal every day life as a married couple (we're acting it's not for real) and when we both see Britain's Got Talent is auditioning we both secretly want to go in for it. Andy as an Elvis impersonator and me with my singing dancing girls 'The Tenna Ladies" I hope it happens but there is one problem. If Andy is doing the Susan Boyle musical in 2013 and the dates clash we will have to postpone it till he is available. However my Allan has an alternative show to put into the Kings if mine doesn't work out.

I spent some time in Edinburgh this year and had some photos done with Andy. I will be putting them on the web site very soon. I'm also thinking of joining facebook and twatter....sorry twitter. Mind you not very good with technology.

Ok everybody keep and eye out for news of the play.

Love

May xxx

hello

2011-02-22T12:21:00.003Z

I see that Kate (princess) wants to be called Katherine..... I think the Prince should be called Prince Will I am.

I also don't see why Fergie should be invited to the wedding....I haven't been.

I don't see what all the fuss is about Gaddaffi. I've seen a lot of the Gaddaffi duck Disney cartoons and he seems alright.

Loved, absolutely loved Mrs Brown on her new BBC series last night. If only I was allowed to say fuck in my shows.

Congrats to Michael Harrison for his win in the Whats on Stage awards for Chess.

bye

Aunty Mays rant

2011-02-03T11:15:00.004Z

Hello, You know I've just realised that I'm wasting my wee Allan's blog I could be telling you what I think about everything that is annoying me....and there's plenty.

So.....where to start. That Andy Gray stuff....thank God its not my wee Andy. I saw this girl in the Mail on Sunday saying that she had been hounded out of her job by Mr Gray's disgusting taunts....then lo and behold hidden deep in the article we find out that she inadvertently threw a bottle which hit a girl on the head and split it open, she then went outside and fell over (all because the girl accused her of sleeping with the producer....which she was) and then spent time in a mental home. And this is the woman who has come out of the woodwork several years later to talk about abuse from Andy Gray. Shame on you Mail on Sunday.

I read today that the Egypt problem is escalating. They say Jordon might be next.....that Katie Price will do anything for publicity.

Milawai is banning farting. Thank God my wee Allan doesn't have any gigs there...

Cant stand that silly Welsh bird on the One show.....Alex Jones.....as my mother would have said, she's a right squeche (pronounced skwech....ch as in Loch)

Really into Daybreak now, not because my wee Ross King is on it but because its settled down now and Adrian and Christine are not trying so hard.

I see that woman talked about her daughter waxing.... that's not right. I just let it all hang out now. In fact you've heard of a Brazilian well I've had a Poirot (think of his moustache ....do I have to explain everything.

Ok watch this space I may rant at anytime

bye

yoo hoo

2010-05-26T13:03:00.002Z

I haven't written for so long, I should be ashamed of myself. I just never seem to have the time nowadays. I'll have to be careful with all these scams happening in the news of the world at the moment. Imagine if I had been offered money for access to my wee Allan. Mind you I'd have done it for a tenor. I recently went to see Michael Buble (cant find the wee tick above the 'e' but you know who I'm talking about) He is a stoater. If I was a few years younger you would hear the woosh of my underpants fall to the ground if I met him. If I met him now you'd hear the thud of my tena ladies. Oh I'm sorry sometimes I can be so crude. I'm looking forward to Andy Gray coming back to the Panto this year. We had a wee thing for each other a few years ago. I've just bought a new house near Allan, its so expensive in London. I saw in the paper that the Queen's Windsor Palace was valued at £395 million. Can you imagine how much it would have been worth if she hadn't built it so near Heathrow airport. Always remember...location location location. I'm away for a wee cup of tea and an empire biscuit. See you soon.

May

the highest bidder.

2009-05-20T11:01:00.003Z

Hello every one, well Allan's almost at the end of the Jolson and Co tour. I've been to see him a few times. Mainly because I fancy the sound man. Graham. Very good looking and he understands that my hearing isn't so good and knows just how loud to whisper in my ear. Unfortunately he hasn't taken the hint and has ignored all my advances. Which brings me to the reason for this blog.

I read in the paper today that a young girl auctioned her virginity on the web. I immediately thought ....what a good idea. I could do that. Now you may think, is May still a virgin. I'm no Susan Boyle. Which reminds me, I'm a lot better looking than her and a better singer. Anyway, its been so long time since I had a wee bit. I'm now officially a born again virgin. So I could actually advertise my self as a virgin and see how much I can get. I wouldn't consider it for anything less than a tenor. The young girl got £9000 but I suppose she had age on her side. But never under estimate experience. So I shall await some bids. Don't let me down now.

Oh I met a lovely lassie the other day. She was interviewing Allan for a show on Alba TV. Her name was Cathy McDonald. (maybe we are related) She was very complimentary to me. She speaks funny though.

I'm also thinking of following in Joanna Lummley. I think all Gherkins show be allowed to stay in Scotland.

Anyway I'll speak to you soon.

Aunty May. xxx

my boy

2009-03-03T15:11:00.003Z

Well, I'm so proud of my wee boy. Not only to see him in such a great show as Jolson & Co, but to know that he is on stage and not in frock. You see I get so annoyed when I hear people calling him a poof. I mean just because you wear a bra and tights doesn't mean your a shirt lifter. And then we had all that stuff in the papers about putting on that black make up. I mean to say we all know that Al Jolson was a black man who whited up during the day, and as this show is about a radio show which takes place during the day he would obviously be white. I don't see what all the fuss is about. Thank goodness he's not doing a show about Michael Jackson's life....what would he do then.

Anyway I saw the show on its opening night and the audience loved it. I was sitting next to an old woman who threw her pants at him.....not a pretty sight. They were those big bloomer ones. They nearly had is eye out.

The show opens officially tonight so all the press people will be there. I told Allan I would be willing to sleep with the journalist to help get good reviews but he said no. Quite emphatically.

Ok must go I have a to make a chocolate sponge for Allan's opening night present.

Cheerio

May x

panto again

2008-12-21T00:25:00.002Z

Hello all you lovely people. Well its that time of the year again. Sorry I haven't written since last year but I've not been well. Had it all taken away.....tables chairs the lot. I feel fine now but the hot flushes are driving me mad. Everyone tells me I should be over it all by now but I've always been a late starter. I didn't loose my virginity till I was 28. Well that is if you don't count the time I had a fling with a 'well known Scottish actor' when I was 18. We did have sex but I always remember the 'well known Scottish actor' saying he knew I was enjoying it because my toes were curling up. I never told him I hadn't taken my tights off.
Anyway enough of my younger years. I'm totally off men at the moment. Who needs them. I've got my Allan. He's had a Stenna chair lift thing installed in my house. I feel just like Thora Hurd as I zoom up and down the stairs. Once I'm fully recovered I wont use it.... unless I've had a few advocats. Grant Stott came to visit me the other day. I think he fancies me actually, but he's not my type. He's married anyway. I was in Tesco the other day. If those check out staff ask me one more time. "Do you have a Tesco card" I'll scream. NO I DON'T HAVE A FXXXXXXX TESCO CARD..... Sorry, and I need a bag as well...... where do you want me to put my loaf, sugar, milk, butter, water, tea, fruit, cerial, and advocat. Any way have a lovely christmas. x

A christmas shag

2007-12-17T18:36:00.000Z

I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that word....a lady of my age. But you see I went to see Allan in the panto and one of the crew (who shall remain nameless but loves elephants) had a few to many at the opening night party and asked me if I wanted a christmas shag. I first of all told him I didn't smoke then I thought he was talking about a carpet, then when he whispered something I cant repeat I realised he was talking about sex. I turned round and said " What a fxxxxxxg liberty. I smacked him right across the face. To tell you the truth I had a good look at him later on and I would rather of had the carpet. Anyway the panto is great as usual and I'm resigned to the fact that I am going tobe single for a while. I was talking to two girls after the show the other night and they said they were Lesbians. I was very interested because I've never been to Lesbia and I might get a chance to go with Allan on the ship sometime.
Ok cheerio
May.

single again

2007-11-14T10:36:00.002Z

Well I haven't written because I have been distraught. That old Bxxxxxd from the dairy ran off with the milk maid. He said he wasn't going to play second fiddle to my Allan any more. Second fiddle....with his instrument he was lucky to be in the band at all. He was addicted to placebos, I told him to give up but he said it wouldn't make any difference. The final straw was when I came up to Glasgow to see my Allan in the Producers. He was wonderful. In a frock again.....and what a frock. So I'm on the look out for a man again. Although in all honesty I'm happier without one. I've been trying to look sexy recently. So I bought a rubber dress and a leather dog collar with some chains hanging from it. I wasn't just an outfit it was an S and M outfit. I suppose I should act my age. Anyway I'll be in Edinburgh soon for the panto so I'll no doubt have a wee Christmas fling. Please don't think I'm promiscuous I just like the company. By the way if anyone knows where I can get whole sale Tenaladies let me know.
Aunty May. xxxxx

spring is in the air

2007-05-18T17:50:00.000Z

Hello every one, I say spring is in the air because I have another new man. My last gas board friend dumped me. I was glad actually. There is nothing more boring than listening to him singing songs from the show he is writing " Gas the Musical" . He says it will be a smash hit. With songs like "Gas has no smell" and "The world would be a better place with out Electricity" you can imagine how boring life was. Anyway He phoned me and said he was missing me. I wont repeat what I said but I put his gas at a peep.
My new man works in a dairy. He smells a bit like old milk sometimes but you get used to it. Funnily enough he's writing somehting as well..... a book. Its called "Dribblings from my Dairy" or was it "Scribblings from my diary" cant remember but he has a great sense of humour. I took him to a wife swapping party last week (I'm a bit of a swinger you know). There was only one other couple there and he wasn't happy because it was the Krankies. Mind you I did hear him shout Fandabidozi more than once.
Well that's it for now I hope this relationship last a bit longer.... even if its just for the free milk and butter, not to mention the cheese.
Cheerio
Aunty May.

So sorry

2007-02-06T13:00:00.000Z

I'm so sorry I haven't written for such a long time. I have met a man and my life seems to have been taken up with him. Don't get me wrong I still see Allan as much as I can but my new man, Henry gets a bit jealous. I travelled up to see him in Panto( Allan not Henry), I also saw him in the Centenary show. They were both wonderfu,l although Henry didn't say much. He works for the Gas board and doesn't have much of a sense of humour. He's very intelligent though. He's always making interesting comments like, why has the word LISP got an S in it? He went to buy me a gold fish for my birthday and the man in the pet shop asked him if he wanted an aquarium. He said he didn't care what star sign it was. Allan tells me that the panto broke all box office records. Something about £1.2 million. That seems an awful lot of money. What will he do with it all. Henry is upstairs reading at the moment. He says its a great book "the history of glue" says he cant put it down. I've just read Thom Dibdens review of the show. What show was he at. What a fxxxxxg liberty!!!!!
Ok must go and make Henry's lunch he's at home today. He suffers badly from piles. Poor man.
bye

Hello again

2005-11-10T11:13:00.000Z

Oh hello I'm sitting in Dundee. I came up to see my wee Allan in his final week at the Dundee Rep. You wouldn't believe how busy it is. Packed every night. I got some Dundee cake as well. I going to Forfar tomorrow.....don't know why but everybody says I should try a Forfar Friday...... I think thats what they said.
I was in Glasgow last week, I find that place very agist. A lot of the streets have big signs up sayin 20's plenty. I'm nearly 65 and I'll give any young bird a run for her money. Allan is getting his wigs and frocks ready for panto. People say that he bases his character on me. Am I bovered am I bovered do I look bovered.
Went to the premier of In Her Shoes the other night and at the party they auctioned a pair of Elizabeht Taylor's shoes for £10,000. rediculous they could of had a pair of my sesible shoes for a fiver. Mind you I suppose Elizabeth's shoes were hardly worn as the poor old cow stays in bed most of the time.
Ok I'm off to the shops
bye
xxxx

Hello

2005-09-17T11:25:00.000Z

Hello its me again. You know I was just walking past an empty shop in Morningside and I feel so sorry for that Bill Stickers everyone wants to prosecute him. I mean what has he done. There are posters on all the windows of empty shops Bill Stickers will be prosecuted.
Anyway I suppose its not my problem. I was at the doctors yesterday there's nothing wrong with me I just like the company. The gossip you hear in that waiting room. They were telling me that Allan and Andy's show Phones in their Jackets or something is doing very well at the box office. I cant imagine a show about mobile phones being much fun. Any way I'll go along to it and give it a look. I was hoping that they were going to call the next hurricane, hurricane May. You know how it goes alphabetically. They seem to have missed me. Ok I'm off the Marks and Spencers. I love their Shepherd pie.
bye

My wee Allan

2005-09-03T20:53:00.000Z

Hello there, it's been a good drying day hasn't it. I'm so excited about my Allan's web site. I've been telling him for years to do this. He's always a bit slow on the uptake.

I've just been on the Arcadia cruise ship with him. Oh there's some sights on there. There was this ....how should I say it .....big girl there. Poor soul had to be cut out of a hula hoop. Allan did very well in his shows. He got two sitting ovations.... wonderful.
I have to go now I will be keeping you up to date with our lives but for now I have to go nature calls.
bye.
Aunty May